Almost three years on. It’s May, and despite staring spring in the face, I’m returning to that emotional place this part of the year holds for me. Sprinkled by sadness, the world becomes green. I watch nature show its magic and I think of you. I know you loved trees. I’ve taken a wow to hug one whenever I pass them by. They’re so beautiful, majestic, with their emerald green clothing. I think of the one outside my window, the one keeping me company during those first hours of losing you. I talked to it, searched for comfort. It greeted me with the calm I needed. Now it’s gone too. I miss it.
In my need it showed me grace. I watched it for hours. Leafs slowly blowing in the wind, swaying, soothingly showing me life goes on. Shades of dark and light greens, blending, dancing in front of my eyes, leaving lasting impressions on my mind, imprinted forever. Nature moves in circles. It all goes on. That’s what it showed me when my heart cried for you. I now understand it was my Giving Tree. But I didn’t understand it then. Isn’t life just full of surprises?
I move along towards summer, feeling the anxiousness of what will come. Will it be there, the pain of losing you; has it diminished, or increased in its power? Does grieving less, mean loving less? Do my tears measure the love I hold in my heart for you? Sometimes my mind wants me to believe so. Quickly my heart replies no, and I watch you smile. Luckily, I know which one to believe.
My grief has not lessened, but the expressions have changed. When before there was pain and confusion, there is now pain and knowing. I feel the pain, yet know the love.
For all you have showed me, I am grateful. In your death my life became more. My heart loved fuller and my desires rose higher. My wishes ran deeper and my soul flew higher. I now count rainbows and watch for magic. I expect more of me and everyone else. I know life is precious, but it doesn’t end with death. We move in circles, just like nature. That is what My Giving Tree and You have showed me. How do I thank you for that? I miss your earthly presence, but feel your heavenly love.
I will never stop loving you. In my heart you reside.
05/19/12 - Copyright © 2012 by Petra Gustafsson