When I call your name
what will your answer be?
Will it trust in what it wants,
or will it trust in me?
12/09/11 - Copyright © 2011 by Petra Gustafsson
A kiss on my forehead
Your cheek touches mine
I feel you whisper
Words so divine
I play with your hair
I reach for you hand
I touch your face
Your palm is in mine
I feel the Sweetness
Of an angel breathe
I shiver in joy
I burn when you bleed
I bend my head
I bow in your love
Knowing that God
Granted me you somehow
12/20/11 - Copyright © 2011 by Petra Gustafsson
I’ve been fortunate to have the ability to tap into worlds unseen by some people. I see and hear things that others don’t seem to pick up on. I’ve been afraid of going crazy many times, and growing up I decided to be “normal”. In this game of being “normal” I hid what was really me, the reason I came to this place at this time, and the dreams and hopes of my innermost being. All that makes me, well, me! This caused tremendous suffering as one can imagine. Even though blessed with a highly intuitive side, I chose to ignore “the nudges” if you will. I tried to rationalized it, how can I feel other people’s feelings, how can I know these things, how can I feel what people are thinking? How can I tell when people speak untruths? Rationally I can’t. And so, that went out the window. Instead of wanting to explore further, I decided it was a “weird” feature in my design, something obviously gone wrong in the “making of me” and I had no interest of knowing or understanding more of this “weirdness” that was causing me so much pain. Now I find this amusing since I understand it was the IGNORING of it that made it painful, not the actual gift itself.
In closing off I became a bit of a robot. I couldn’t access my deepest emotions; they were locked in behind closed gates, guarded very carefully and surrounded by iron walls, barbwire, lots of self-pity and despair. It was truly a dark existence in many ways. Not that many people around me noticed, but for me, I knew there was more. I knew there was love beyond what I could fathom because I had seen glimpses of it. And I always longed for it desperately. But it all seemed so unreachable to me. No wonder, I had closed off the connection to the source that provides the love beyond the fathomable.
I believe when it gets real bad and we’re on the brink of giving up, we are sometimes “saved” by something that seems outside of us, but most probably are, another part of us. No matter how we choose to see it, it’s no less real. Maybe it has to be experienced, maybe you only need to hear it from another person to understand and accept it. Whatever is the truth for you, be sure to acknowledge the guidance that surrounds you even in the midst of your turmoil, know it’s always there, difficult to detect, but with a truth and love that is undeniable once discovered.
Michael’s been a part of opening my heart all my life. From the first time I fell in love with him at the age of 13, he’s been there to provide me with songs and love that made my heart soar. Whenever I listened to his voice something inside of me melted. The walls around my heart seemed to lessen and I was more available to hear the rhythm of life. He made me feel alive. He helped my heart continue, despite the dark blotches and iron walls. He made a bit of sunshine make its way through, and that was enough for me to get by. I wasn’t “aware” in a conscious way, but I always could feel it and I thrived on this emotion.
So many times I locked myself in a room, put my headphones on and disappeared into his music, his soft voice, his powerful screams, his force of life, his strength, his hope and his love. They all seemed to make their way, squiggle themselves, into my heart space, leaving a glimpse of what feeling alive was all about. He made me feel like anything was possible, like I could achieve any dream, if only for a minute. He made me believe in myself, that I was important, that I should dare to dream. That I truly could reach the top of that mountain, that I was worthy.
He made me feel love, and that wouldn’t have been possible if my heart wasn’t opened. If only for that minute in time, he had opened it. If only for those seconds, if only through that one song, if only for a blink of an eye, he had opened my heart. He had reached through the guarded walls and fooled the security. He had sneaked in. He had made sure I could feel that love of his and that is the magic of Michael, the heart-opener.
Michael has been my heart-opener throughout my entire life. If it wasn’t for him I don’t know where I would be. His is the strongest of influences in my life, from one person solely. I can’t imagine I will ever find someone like Michael affecting me like this again during my time on earth. I know I won’t. But that’s ok, I’ve still got him. He’s safe in my heart, the one he opened all those years ago, and continues to pour his love into.
He has changed not only the way I view life and love, how to be in this world, he has also taught me that there’s no end to life. Life is all there is, and when we move on from here, we continue on somewhere else and it needn’t be far, should we ALLOW and open our hearts to it. We’ve all got the gift, sometimes it’s just well hidden behind those thick walls of our stubborn hearts.
In his giving I have become more, in his love I reside, in his presence I am reborn, through his example I lead.
As 2012 approaches I take you with me, like I have in previous years. I can never let you go and something tells me I don’t have to. Thank you for making me the person that I am.
I love you with all my heart Michael, the one you helped re-open. And always more.
12/30/11 - Copyright © 2011 by Petra Gustafsson
Sometimes miracles occur, they may be small or big depending on the person and the wishes, but whatever is true for the person in particular, the miracle is still a miracle. I’ve had one happening today, and though I can’t or won’t reveal the details of it, I can assure you the relief of it ripples through my being. Miracles are love, and love heals. I am so grateful for mine I call it my New Year’s miracle. I could never have dreamt this, yet it was created by doing just that, added with a bit of faith and the wonderful love of someone really close. I love you Michael with all my heart, thank you for helping me believe in the power of love and the importance of letting it flow through our beings with ease.
My heart’s river holds a place for your love to run freely- there will always be room for your magic essence to join it, I invite you with all that I am. THANK YOU.
12/29/11 - Copyright © 2011 by Petra Gustafsson
“What really makes me happy, what I love is performing and creating. I really don’t care about all the material trappings. I love to put my soul into something and have people accept and like it. That’s a wonderful feeling. I appreciate art for that reason. I’m a great admirer of Michelangelo and how he poured his soul into his work. He knew in his heart that one day he would die, but that the work would live on. You can tell he painted the Sistine chapel with all his soul. At one point he even destroyed it and did it over because he wanted it to be perfect. He said, “If the wine is sour, pour it out”.
~Michael Jackson, Moonwalk
I love this quote. It’s so much how I feel about art, particularly writing. I feel when I let the words, or creation flow through me, effortlessly, I achieve my best work. Sometimes that’s all I have to do and it looks like I’ve been working at it for hours. When I start questioning, or worrying about it, or thinking about what other people will think of it I’m toast. You can’t think your way into creating something from your soul, it has to be felt and created through the feeling that arises. This is what Michael knew and did. This way his work is forever connected to his soul. That’s why it speaks to us and always will. Thank you for knowing this and “leaving” us with all of your love. I revel in it on a daily basis.
˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥
12/18/11 - Copyright © 2011 by Petra Gustafsson
Oh Michael, you were the greatest storyteller of all. I hope you realize this now.
“I’ve always wanted to be able to tell stories, you know, stories that came from my soul. I’d like to sit by a fire and tell people stories-make them see pictures, make them cry and laugh, take them anywhere emotionally with something as deceptively simple as words. I’d like to tell tales to move their souls and transform them. I’ve always wanted to be able to do that. Imagine how the great writers must feel, knowing they have that power. I sometimes feel I could do it. It’s something I’d like to develop. In a way, songwriting uses the same skills, creates the emotional highs and lows, but the story is a sketch. It’s quicksilver. There are very few books written on the art of storytelling, how to grip listeners, ho to get a group of people together and amuse them. No costumes, no makeup, no nothing, just you and your voice, and your powerful ability to take them anywhere, to transform their lives, if only for minutes”
-Michael Jackson, Moonwalk
This is what any great art is about, the ability to show the listeners, the readers, the audiences, what’s in your heart, show them your world, fantasy or not. It’s about exposing your soul for everyone to see and for you to shine brightly, for you to be happy while making others happy. Can life we sweeter than that? I think not. Live your dream people live your dream.
12/15/11 - Copyright © 2011 by Petra Gustafsson.
I recently bought a new copy of Moonwalk, the English version, since I only had the Swedish translation from back in the day. I felt I wanted to read the actual words of Michael, in his own language. One can’t help but lose some of the accuracy in a translation. I only received it yesterday, and only flicked through it so far, but I look forward to diving into it over the Christmas Holiday. Should be a good read, although I remember almost everything in it I discovered, as I swiftly looked through the pages. I really loved Michael, and at the age of 13 he was my big idol, so I feel it’s natural that I do.
But something has taken me by surprise lately. As my parents are in a “cleaning out” phase of their house (the one I grew up in) I’ve come to remember just how big of a fan I really was. I honestly didn’t remember, it seems so long ago to me. I’ve felt for a long time, or since Michael passed, that I was a fan, but the most “fan-like” thing I did was attending the Dangerous tour. Well, this turns out to be a lie. I didn’t chase him around the world or anything, but the items collected in my parents’ attic and various other places, tell of a different story. I found a Michael mirror, several posters with him on, two t-shirts, an empty perfume bottle of the perfume he launched, scrapbooks with pictures of him all over, professional pictures from his Dangerous tour that I bought, the actual tickets from the tour, lots of music and videos from MTV, the whole MTV Dangerous Diary edition recorded, The making of Thriller, a scarf from the Dangerous tour, albums etc. there was a lot, and I had forgotten so much of it. I really couldn’t remember I was such a “fan” all those years ago. I was quite happy to be reminded, it was nice remembering all of those times, how I felt and how young I was. Like another lifetime.
I believe my connection and love for Michael has always been there, it just expresses itself differently, and although my approach today is more one of a spiritual soul connection, I cherish the artist as much. I love all aspects of Michael; all that he was, is and continues to be. My life wouldn’t have been the same without him; he’s changed my life in so many ways that I will never be able to explain.
Give me a thousand words or more and it still wouldn’t be enough to carry the first sentence into truth…
That said, I found this quote from Michael at the end of the book. I love it so much I will keep it as my guiding star. It is what I wish for my writing.
“What one wishes is to be touched by truth and to be able to interpret that truth so that one may use what one is feeling and experiencing, be it despair or joy, in a way that will add meaning to one’s life and will hopefully touch others as well. This is art in its highest form. Those moments of enlightenment are what I continue to live for”
I love you Michael. Thank you for all of the inspiration and love.
14/12/11 - Copyright © 2011 by Petra Gustafsson .
In the stillness of my heart
In the wisdom of the night
I ponder my love
I behold the stars
I admire the sky
I stare into the darkness
Wishing upon stars
Knowing that every breath I take
Is with you in mind
10/28/11 - Copyright © 2011 by Petra Gustafsson